Things I have learned in Thailand

This list is likely to expand the longer I am here.

Concerning transportation:

1. If you are driving a motorcycle or scooter, it is ok to drive along the wrong side of the road if there is not yet a break in traffic for you to get to the correct side, or provided you are not going very far before turning. The definition of what is very far is variable and subjective. 

The sidewalk is also an acceptable place to drive a motorcycle or scooter.

2. Helmets are not necessary unless it is night time, or you are going on a long journey. If you are going only a short way at night, helmets are optional then too. 

3. When on a scooter or motorcycle, it is only ok to stay behind a car when the road is very congested. Otherwise, the rule is "me first," and you can pass to either side. If you are in a car and behind another very slow car, so long as there are no other cars coming, you pass. Motorcycles or scooters in the oncoming lane do not count as cars. You pass.

4. The proper road etiquette for a motorbike can be summed up thusly: if it fits, I sits. You are expected to weave through stopped traffic at a light so that you can have the spot in front.

5. Driving drunk is ok, so long as you just go really slowly and drive very carefully. Both slow and careful are also subjective terms.

6. In America, when someone flashes their lights and/or honks the horn, it means they are being polite and letting another driver have right of way. In Thailand, flashing one's lights and/or honking means "If you value your life or extremities, get the fuck out of the way I'm coming through!"

7. Sidewalks are an acceptable place to park anything. People don't need them to walk on, that's what the streets are for. Just as well anyway, because dogs generally decide that the sidewalk is the most comfortable place for a shit.

Concerning markets:

1. If you are in town on a Friday night, you go to the market. Even if you don't need anything, you go. Everyone who's anyone is at the market. 

2. Everything is cheaper at the markets, from fruit to underwear to puppies. You can find just about anything you need at the markets, excepting alcohol. For that, you go the the bars conveniently behind the market, or you just pop down to 7-11.

3. People stop immediately when they see something they like. Moving over before stopping is not a concept most follow, to the effect that sometimes you have clusterfucks. If you are not paying attention, you may also walk into people that have just stopped short in front of you. Clearly, this is your fault and you are to be glared at, you silly foreigner. 

Concerning food:

1. Proper silverware etiquette is spoon in the right hand, fork in the left. You shovel food onto your spoon with the fork. The fork is mainly for distribution of food. There are no knives, that's what the spoon is for. If something cannot be cut with your spoon then you had a bad cook who should have made it bite sized to begin with.

2. Food is cheaper and better at the market or street stand than you would find in a restaurant. There may not be a place to sit, and you may be eating Pad Thai with what are essentially shortened skewers, but it will be cheap and tasty.

3. Sometimes you have to fight flies if you want to eat. Swat the army of flies away with one hand, shovel noodles in your face with the other. 

4. There are vegetables in very few things. Those few things have very few vegetables in them. Meals consist of rice and/or noodles and some form of protein. Here in Lamphun, that protein is pork more often than not. Also, egg is in everything.

5. One drinks alcohol with copious amounts of ice and water. Beer must  be topped off with at least three ice cubes. Whiskey is one part whiskey, three parts water and three parts soda water. Asking for coke makes you a drug addict. Or a foreigner.

Concerning language:

1. Most Thais know two phrases: "Hello!" and "Where you go?" You will hear those two phrases so many times you will dream of creative ways to murder the next person that says them to you.

2. If they know more phrases than the above two, they will use them. Even in passing or while you are walking away and with no context, just to prove to you that they can. 

If they do not know more, they will begin speaking to you in Thai and expect you to understand anyway.

3. If you are in a restaurant and cannot name something you want to eat, you will be brought a menu. 4 times out of 5, it will be in Thai and the server will expect you to be able to read it, as they might point to things that you should think are desirable.

Concerning schools:

1. Read number one Concerning language.

2. If the kids know you do not know Thai, they will then try to only speak to you in Thai. When you respond that they should be speaking English, they will say "Teacher! Sa-peak THAI!" 

If it is not a game, Thai kids do not care about it. They will then ask for the entire class time, "Teacher! Next week, game?"

3. Copying someone else's schoolwork is to be encouraged. If you don't know the answer yourself, someone else's is good enough. It's not really cheating, it's being helped by a classmate.

4. If you don't understand something, don't you dare say so. Thai teachers will just tell you it doesn't matter, and besides, you can trade those math answers you don't know for your science paper. When in doubt, cheat. 

4. Twenty kids yelling different things at once is an acceptable way to communicate with the teacher.

5. There is almost never a full school week. School is mostly an excuse to have tournaments and celebrations, and cheap (meaning free) labor for frilly decorations with which to impress official, usually government, folk.

Miscellaneous weird shit:

1. Seen in Pai: a two-foot long rat tail.... Dreadlock.

2. Seen in Lamphun: a man walking his birds. Seriously. He had like 6 or 7 bright green and yellow birds, just a a-hoppin' along on the sidewalk as he muttered to them and swept the laggers along.